It’s been 10 years

When I was in my mid-20’s, I got myself into a stupid situation. I had been in the service in the time, and would always mess around with people or flirt with them because that’s just what I did for fun. Anyways, I wound up getting involved with this guy who I shouldn’t have been seeing anyways. IDK when it happened, but I had just fallen so hard and so fast for him.

It felt like the first time I had really been seen for who I am. I felt like most guys just liked me because I was pretty, or at the time hot. But I’m smart. I graduated college in 3 years. I had spoken 3 languages. I had overcome an impossible childhood. I was nice. I was sweet. People didn’t see that. They just saw me for my looks.

I thought I was seen. I still remember he used to say he liked to hear me talk. That he felt like he had been sleeping his whole life before meeting me. I still remember how it felt when he was inside of me. I felt whole for the first time. I saw the cosmos, not that first night, he actually looked like a skullhead to me. lol maybe that was a sign.

But then of course, we find out that the I’m separated is actually I’m still married. That still married was MY WIFE IS PREGNANT. OMG. Like an idiot I stayed and I cried and I wished it was me that was pregnant. But of course not. I know I should have left. I know I was just torturing myself and inserting myself into a relationship I had no business in. I know. I smarter than that. I still dated around, because my brain knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but still. In my heart of hearts, I really wish things could have worked out.

We’ve been apart longer than we even knew each other, so then why do I still think about that time in my life? He was the only person who really gave me butterflies, who I felt was here in this time with me. It was weird and apparently haunting because I still cry about it from time to time. Maybe it’s because that all happened the same year my mom passed? Is it because I’m 35 now and my life isn’t how I imagined it would be? There was a time in my life where I dreamed a different life than the one I am inhabiting now. Is this just what happens in life? Was it limerence? Was it love? Why do I still think about it 10 years later? Do I need to get back on my meds?